Once upon a time, perhaps heβd have skittishly backed off from admitting that he had any sentimental attachments back home, but heβs loosened up over the course of his time in Thedas. So: βOf course,β he says, βbut at least Iβve no end of people here to kick me down a few pegs. I didnβt actually know her that well yet, so maybe Iβm missing more— what could have been. Iβve already known you longer.β
And then Stephen absentmindedly drums his fingers against his knee, considering that description of Vazeiros. βI think Iβm fairly results-driven,β he points out, mulling it over.
"They're sometimes worse, I think," she says, quietly wistful, "the could-have-beens."
The apprentice America could have been, the father Vazeiros could haveβone never really stops worrying at the possibilities, much as one might try. Like a loose tooth, you keep pushing at it with your tongue, just to feel it wiggle.
The silence between them draws out, interrupted only by the drumming of Stephen's fingers while Ness nearly falls into melancholy next to him. She hums in agreement when he speaks, distractedβhe is very results-driven, she's thought so herselfβ
and then stops.
"What, you mean like Vazeiros? That's entirely different."
Obviously. But then, perhaps it's not quite as obvious to someone who's only met a facsimile of the real elf. Ness shifts in her seat, facing Stephen more full-on.
"The results you pursue are always about people. Not individuals, necessarily, but as a collectiveβhow can you benefit the most people, what will do the most good with the least cost. And you're not cold at all, not really. You do a good impression when you need to, but that's not who you are. You don't have to hug people all the time to be warm."
You donβt have to hug people all the time to be warm, Ness says, and thereβs something so mortifying in having it so aptly called out and recognised for what it is. It blindsides him a little, when his own image of himself was so deceptively off-the-mark. Stephen blinks, surprised.
Perhaps a version of him had been that once upon a time, a cold and arrogant neurosurgeon whoβd fucked up the relationships in his life, a cautionary tale and its own road not taken— but it has been a while since then. Meeting Sinister Strange had been another caution, a big blaring warning sign to swerve him back onto another path. Do better. Be better.
βSo if my calculation is about what benefits the most people, what results was Vazeiros after?β he asks, a little wary of what the answer will be.
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And then Stephen absentmindedly drums his fingers against his knee, considering that description of Vazeiros. βI think Iβm fairly results-driven,β he points out, mulling it over.
no subject
The apprentice America could have been, the father Vazeiros could haveβone never really stops worrying at the possibilities, much as one might try. Like a loose tooth, you keep pushing at it with your tongue, just to feel it wiggle.
The silence between them draws out, interrupted only by the drumming of Stephen's fingers while Ness nearly falls into melancholy next to him. She hums in agreement when he speaks, distractedβhe is very results-driven, she's thought so herselfβ
and then stops.
"What, you mean like Vazeiros? That's entirely different."
Obviously. But then, perhaps it's not quite as obvious to someone who's only met a facsimile of the real elf. Ness shifts in her seat, facing Stephen more full-on.
"The results you pursue are always about people. Not individuals, necessarily, but as a collectiveβhow can you benefit the most people, what will do the most good with the least cost. And you're not cold at all, not really. You do a good impression when you need to, but that's not who you are. You don't have to hug people all the time to be warm."
no subject
Perhaps a version of him had been that once upon a time, a cold and arrogant neurosurgeon whoβd fucked up the relationships in his life, a cautionary tale and its own road not taken— but it has been a while since then. Meeting Sinister Strange had been another caution, a big blaring warning sign to swerve him back onto another path. Do better. Be better.
βSo if my calculation is about what benefits the most people, what results was Vazeiros after?β he asks, a little wary of what the answer will be.